Monthly Archives: December 2023

Donor #3

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I’m in the process of picking my third sperm donor. I choose one for my 2 IUIs and a different one for my IVF cycle. I figure it is worth it to start from scratch this third and final attempt at getting pregnant. I have gone through this process alone every time. I usually share the results of whom I choose with a few friends, but this time it is all me. Hopefully this one is successful.

It is such an interesting experiment: choosing the attributes you hope to pass on to your child without any strings attached. Is height or education level or hobbies or staff first impression of attractiveness most important? I feel like I’ve stayed pretty consistent with a few deviations. For example, I am tall at 5’9″. All of my family is tall. My brother is 6’5″ so I want my child (son mostly) to fit in. We are also athletic so I look for that. Lastly, I look for education.

The winner this time around is 6’4″ and graduated with a BA in engineering by 19 and was pursuing a PhD at the time of donation. His baby picture looked cute enough and there doesn’t seem to be any family genetic issues. So fingers crossed that the fertility clinic agrees that he is worth the thousands I’ll spend to give his swimmers a go.

Movies

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I’ve never been a movie buff. I like movies but I haven’t gone out of my way to go see a new movie or watch movies at home. With this new movie pass, I have probably seen more movies this month than most of this year.

As I was walking out of the theatre after seeing Wonka, I had a realization that my dad has always LOVED movies. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up but we did always have cable and HBO. Even after many arguments from my mom about the cost. My dad would always have a movie on. And at Christmas time, he and I would watch The Santa Clause, the OG with Dudley Moore from the 80s religiously. I always felt that it was “our thing”.

Then my brother came along and we added more Christmas movies like the Tim Allen Santa Clause and we went to see Elf in the movie theater on Christmas evening. I tried to start a tradition of buying Christmas movies to add to dad’s collection. Little did I know that most would be on demand in a few years time.

My dad doesn’t seem to watch movies like he used to, at least not when I have been home. It makes me sad to see that part of him that has faded away. And so maybe going to the movies now is way to feel connected with him even though he isn’t the same. Maybe it is just a way to connect to the memory of who he was. I love my dad and his ailments have robbed him of so many things. In some way, living away from him allows me to pretend that my actions are something we could have connected about in earlier years. Or maybe it can be a way to connect with him now and hope he takes me experiences and looks forward to a movie released on HBO. It’s probably wishful thinking but I’m feel that it can’t hurt to try.

A Good Book

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I think a good book that hooks you in from the start and keeps the chapters short so you feel like you are reading more than you actually might be are a rare gem. I’ve been a big reader my entire life. My brother is 9 years younger than I am so I had to entertain myself. I had a library card by the time I was in 2nd grade. I swear I read a whole wall of books one summer.

Growing up in a small town, books were a way to transport me to other places with different experiences. We had to drive 10 minutes to get “fast food”. Not that my little small town isn’t a great place to grow up, it just didn’t expose me to various avenues and adventures of the world.

I’ve always wanted to be a part of a book club, however, I’ve never found one that I’ve taken the leap to reach out to and join. I tried to start one at school but then they meet on the night I have clients and I can’t go. Maybe some day. Could that be a retirement goal? 😉

Internet

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The internet went down at school yesterday and was still out when we started school today. It is crazy how much of our job now relies on the internet. Emailing. Looking up information. Finding a student’s schedule. Attendance. The phones. The security system in the building.

And we all come to a screeching halt when it doesn’t work. It’s like we don’t know what to do with ourselves. It was great to see students engaging in conversations with one another instead of their heads being buried in their computers.

It makes me think back to when I was in high school and the internet was a fairly new thing. We had to take notes by a teacher using a projector or writing on a chalkboard. Whiteboards were still not used on a regular basis. Maybe I’m dating myself but it wasn’t that long ago, at least it doesn’t feel that long ago. And it’s crazy to think of what the world will look like in another 20 years!

TV

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I find it fascinating what television shows each person gravitates toward and why. A good chunk of my college girlfriends LOVE reality tv, the Real Housewives in particular. The only reality show that I watch is The Great British Baking Show. We had cable growing up. It’s not like I didn’t have access to it then or now. I just don’t enjoy the drama. Maybe because I deal with enough drama in my day to day life. I don’t know.

My guilty pleasure is Law and Order: SUV. That can be on in the background or on the nights that I actually sit to watch TV but am so exhausted that I don’t have to think too much. I used to love CSI, the original, not any of the spin offs. And Criminal Minds. I know, there is a theme. I guess it is the solving a problem that I enjoyed, not necessarily that bad things happen in the world.

But does it matter what movies and television shows that we enjoy? Do our partner or friends have to enjoy the same genre to truly “get” us? I sometimes wonder how some of my friends are my friends because we are so different. Maybe it stems from something so simple as what TV shows we watch?

Appreciation

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Today, I was able to acknowledge my principal in front of the entire staff for the endless hours he has put in to protect me and my work as a school counselor against an angry parent. It was 3 minutes of words for me but for him it was about being seen. He gave me a hug after and came down to thank the counseling department as a whole because I made the appreciation about more than me and from our entire team.

It made me stop and think about how little appreciation there is in the world and how it is such a simple act. I know that I get all the feels when someone acknowledges me and/or my actions. I recognize that I need to do this more. You can not give too many “thank you’s” or “I appreciate you”. My mom was really amazing at sending cards. I used to be better about it. Something as small as a card to say “thank you” or “I’m thinking about you” makes me feel seen. And it helps to validate my efforts to make the world a better place than it was yesterday.

New Pastime

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I recently decided to get the monthly pass at the Alamo Drafthouse Cinema. It’s $20 for the month and you can see up to 2 movies at the theatre per day. It costs almost that much for a single ticket to a movie which is why I haven’t gone to the movies in forever.

It’s something that I felt like I can also do solo. In my younger years, I’m not sure if I would have the confidence to go to a movie alone. But these days, I have finally started to stop being so egocentric because no one else is even paying attention to the single girl in the theatre. I went to the new Hunger Games movie and it turns out that I’m not the only one who enjoys going to the movies alone.

To make sure I am taking advantage of my monthly pass, I have at least one movie ticket for each week of December. All different genres too. We shall see if I get so comfortable at the theatre that I start bringing a blanket with me. I can kick up my feet and enjoy the cinema, something I didn’t get to do much as a kid. Maybe if this round of IVF works, it can be a new hobby that I can share with my child. Wishful thinking. For now, it is off to the movies I will go.

Mondays

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I feel like Mondays should be a refreshing beginning to the week. Instead, my experience has been that they are a combination of shit show and time suspension. I swear today felt like two days in one. So many things were going on that time usually goes by quickly. Yet for some reason, it would not end. My to-do list grows with every day with the number of days students are available to see dwindling. I have until Friday to get it all done. Will it happen? We shall see.

Is it just me or is this a shared experience? I wonder if there is a name for this phenomena? If not, someone should research it and find ways to make Mondays more pleasant. I don’t know how but I’m sure there are tricks out there that I need to try.

Sleep

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I have a love/hate relationship with sleep. I am a big fan of a 15 minute cat naps that reenergize me. But I used to be able to function on 6 hours of sleep. As I have gotten older, I am a solid 8-9 hour sleeper and I don’t always even feel that refreshed. I feel like I’m wasting time. I could be doing so much more with that extra 2-3 hours. Even if it is just scrolling through Instagram reels. My mantra in my 20s was that I could sleep when I’m dead. Now, I feel dead when I don’t get good sleep.

I’ve watched my dad decline into being in bed for most of his 24 hours. He was always a sleeper. In bed by 10:30 pm after the news and up by 6:30 am to be out the door at 7:17 am for work. Now he doesn’t leave his room until 9:30/10 am and goes to lie in bed and watch TV at 7 pm. It makes me so sad.

Maybe I equate sleep and/or being horizontal in bed with death and that scares the shit out of me. But that topic is for another day…

Due Date

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According to my calculations, today would have been my due date if my IVF had been successful last spring. It’s a weird feeling. I have feelings of sadness but also feelings of hope that this round will be different. I am trying to look at the bigger picture that maybe I needed another year to get some things together before being a mother. For example, this past year I have completed the training to have my pup be a certified therapy dog. I have completed the requirements to be a licensed professional counselor. And my private practice is in full swing with substantial and consistent extra income.

Maybe I needed another year to accept and acknowledge that I love living in Colorado and I want to stay here. And my dad’s health condition isn’t getting detrimentally worse so my feelings of obligation to move home and spend time with him in his last days don’t feel as eminent at the moment. I feel settled and I am trying to lean into this life that I have built for myself. Maybe now will be the timing that is best to bring a life into the world. It’s always hard for me to trust the journey that I am on, but I do know that there is a higher purpose to it all. I know that I look back at some point and it will all make sense.