Monthly Archives: April 2024

Adulting

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I find adulting to be difficult most days. And I’m 42 years old. I would so much rather sit and read a book than go into an office. Finances are also something that I hate about being an adult. Saving enough for a time in the future but also paying for things now and trying to have enough to have fun. I have always struggled with finding a balance of doing what I HAVE to do with what I really WANT to do.

I fully enjoy being an independent person, however, I sometimes miss having someone clean up after me, make me meals and pay bills that I was oblivious to. I don’t remember my parents disclosing much about our financial situation so I lived in ignorant bliss. I did have a house cleaner for a bit, but that wasn’t the same. I still have to pick up everything so they were able to clean. The picking up is my hardest battle. Maybe someday I will grow up fully. For now, I have my moments of adulting and hope for the best.

Hypocrite

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As a therapist, there are times when I am working through a problem with a client and I say something that makes me think “Why don’t I do that?” Sometimes we can “know” what we should say, think, do or believe but when it comes to a difficult situation, those things go out the window. I feel like such a hypocrite.

For example, I have a client who is in a severe depression because they can’t seem to get and/or stay pregnant. I talk about not having one thing define their life as a success or failure but then I feel very similarly when I too struggle in the IVF process. Sometimes I get so cloudy with not having the big things in life that I’ve always wanted such as being married and having children that I have a hard time finding gratitude for the amazing life that I have created for myself. A therapist shouldn’t feel like this, right? It’s hard to live the human experience while also helping others through it at times.

Dating

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I’ve decided to approach dating as entertainment only. It might not be the most responsible way about doing things, but it hasn’t worked when I’ve dated with the intention of getting into a relationship. Recently, I have been straight forward with a guy that I’m not sure I’m attracted to but I enjoyed talking with him. It seems people aren’t always interested in being friends first. This guy says that he is okay with it. I guess we shall see how it goes.

What is really interesting is how few times a guy will actually ask to meet when using a dating app. Like, isn’t that the point of the app. I am not a great texter. I’ve found that anyone can sound great in text but the actual interaction can be horrid. So, why waste my energy on texting when it could be very clear by simply meeting for a drink or coffee. At least I haven’t given up, although I can close.

No luck

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Yesterday was a tough day. Not only was work exceptionally challenging, but I also found out that none of my fertilized eggs made it to embryo status. That was a tough hit. I was so certain that things were progressing so much better this time around. It was different, for sure, but not so far off from last time that none would continue to split. I’m heartbroken.

My doctor suggested a DuoStim process asap to increase odds. Or I can wait and let this process. I think I need to join in to this and have this be the last of the attempts. I have one vial of donor sperm left. Even though I have some trips scheduled, I’m hoping we can squeeze this in this month or suggest next month.

I’m really sad and frustrated. It is difficult to want something that is so out of your control. I suppose it is a good lesson in life. If I can handle this, I guess I can handle anything that comes my way.

Embryo Results Part 1

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I had my egg retrieval last Tuesday. The results weren’t what I was expecting but I can’t say that they were necessarily bad. I only had 6 eggs and 3 were mature. However, all 3 were fertilized normally. Today I found out if any made to blastocyst so they can be genetically tested. The number is low but I am pleasantly surprised. Out of the 16 eggs that were retrieved a year and a half ago, 4 fertilized normally and 2 made it to blastocyst. I’m “stubbornly optimistic” as my doctor likes to say.

I have more options this time around compared to last time. With the new CO law, I have 3 retrievals available to me and an unlimited transfers. Last time I paid 50% and all medications for only 1 retrieval. So all my eggs were literally in one basket. That may be why I am more relaxed. I guess we can always go for another retrieval if we need to. Ideally, there would be more than 1 embryo before we transfer.

So, we share wait for the call or message in the portal from embryology. Sending out healthy vibes!