Author Archives: Autumn

Close Minded Humans

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I’ve been talking/meeting up with a new guy whom I told I only wanted to be friends and not date for the last few months. I thought he seemed like a person who was easy to talk to and could reference my past life in Chicago with. Yesterday, we met up for drinks to celebrate the start of my summer break and his getting a new job. We bar hopped and drank many cocktails.

At our last stop, we somehow got on the topic of transgendered individuals, in particular kids. He was so opinionated and refused to see a different perspective. In fact, he got so unsettled that he got up and left me and the bill at the bar. I was stunned. I didn’t think he was such a close minded person. And it’s bothered me all day and I’m not sure why. I certainly didn’t do anything wrong.

As a therapist, especially in a school, it is not my job to judge someone else’s life, feelings or way of being in the world. I am grateful for that gift. I would think it would be hard to go through life thinking you know better than everyone else. I can’t imagine a lot people want to be around that, unless they agree with his opinions, I guess.

It was such a strange interaction. And it affirms that dating in your 40s is even more difficult because people are set in their ways. I suppose I am guilty of that as well. It doesn’t deter me from meeting new people but I do think my guard will continue to be up for awhile as more than a few men have not showed their true colors until real topics of the world appear in our conversation.

“Happy” Mother’s Day

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I know it is important to recognize the woman who brought me into the world as she deserves all the praise. And to all mothers who sacrifice daily for their children. But it is a really hard day for those of us who want nothing more in this world than to be a mother and we fail at every turn. It is a struggle not to be bitter and sad.

As a therapist, I’m trying to do what I would advise my clients and challenge these thoughts with gratitude. It doesn’t take away all the pain but it does bring to light the amazing aspects of my life that others may covet.

So as I snuggle my fur baby tonight, I send well wishes to all the moms in the world. I pray that someday I too will get to experience the joy and love of having a child, whether created in my womb or that of another. One can only dream.

Adulting

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I find adulting to be difficult most days. And I’m 42 years old. I would so much rather sit and read a book than go into an office. Finances are also something that I hate about being an adult. Saving enough for a time in the future but also paying for things now and trying to have enough to have fun. I have always struggled with finding a balance of doing what I HAVE to do with what I really WANT to do.

I fully enjoy being an independent person, however, I sometimes miss having someone clean up after me, make me meals and pay bills that I was oblivious to. I don’t remember my parents disclosing much about our financial situation so I lived in ignorant bliss. I did have a house cleaner for a bit, but that wasn’t the same. I still have to pick up everything so they were able to clean. The picking up is my hardest battle. Maybe someday I will grow up fully. For now, I have my moments of adulting and hope for the best.

Hypocrite

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As a therapist, there are times when I am working through a problem with a client and I say something that makes me think “Why don’t I do that?” Sometimes we can “know” what we should say, think, do or believe but when it comes to a difficult situation, those things go out the window. I feel like such a hypocrite.

For example, I have a client who is in a severe depression because they can’t seem to get and/or stay pregnant. I talk about not having one thing define their life as a success or failure but then I feel very similarly when I too struggle in the IVF process. Sometimes I get so cloudy with not having the big things in life that I’ve always wanted such as being married and having children that I have a hard time finding gratitude for the amazing life that I have created for myself. A therapist shouldn’t feel like this, right? It’s hard to live the human experience while also helping others through it at times.

Dating

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I’ve decided to approach dating as entertainment only. It might not be the most responsible way about doing things, but it hasn’t worked when I’ve dated with the intention of getting into a relationship. Recently, I have been straight forward with a guy that I’m not sure I’m attracted to but I enjoyed talking with him. It seems people aren’t always interested in being friends first. This guy says that he is okay with it. I guess we shall see how it goes.

What is really interesting is how few times a guy will actually ask to meet when using a dating app. Like, isn’t that the point of the app. I am not a great texter. I’ve found that anyone can sound great in text but the actual interaction can be horrid. So, why waste my energy on texting when it could be very clear by simply meeting for a drink or coffee. At least I haven’t given up, although I can close.

No luck

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Yesterday was a tough day. Not only was work exceptionally challenging, but I also found out that none of my fertilized eggs made it to embryo status. That was a tough hit. I was so certain that things were progressing so much better this time around. It was different, for sure, but not so far off from last time that none would continue to split. I’m heartbroken.

My doctor suggested a DuoStim process asap to increase odds. Or I can wait and let this process. I think I need to join in to this and have this be the last of the attempts. I have one vial of donor sperm left. Even though I have some trips scheduled, I’m hoping we can squeeze this in this month or suggest next month.

I’m really sad and frustrated. It is difficult to want something that is so out of your control. I suppose it is a good lesson in life. If I can handle this, I guess I can handle anything that comes my way.

Embryo Results Part 1

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I had my egg retrieval last Tuesday. The results weren’t what I was expecting but I can’t say that they were necessarily bad. I only had 6 eggs and 3 were mature. However, all 3 were fertilized normally. Today I found out if any made to blastocyst so they can be genetically tested. The number is low but I am pleasantly surprised. Out of the 16 eggs that were retrieved a year and a half ago, 4 fertilized normally and 2 made it to blastocyst. I’m “stubbornly optimistic” as my doctor likes to say.

I have more options this time around compared to last time. With the new CO law, I have 3 retrievals available to me and an unlimited transfers. Last time I paid 50% and all medications for only 1 retrieval. So all my eggs were literally in one basket. That may be why I am more relaxed. I guess we can always go for another retrieval if we need to. Ideally, there would be more than 1 embryo before we transfer.

So, we share wait for the call or message in the portal from embryology. Sending out healthy vibes!

Traveling

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I find traveling to be a dichotomy that is addicting. It’s exhilarating and exhausting. Relaxing yet stressful at times. A break from reality but financially burdening. 

But the opportunity to listen to the waves crash or watch yachts move in and out of a bay or surround yourself in the silence of snow falling is one the greatest aspects of life. These breaks from the day to day routine. To develop a new appreciation for somewhere new. And recognizes how different cultures and people live. 

I used to wonder why people would spend money to vacation in Chicago, especially those who came from Asia and Europe. I guess they may think the same if they are from a place they don’t feel is unique. Chicago has great food and the architecture is amazing, but you start to take all the amazingness out of a place when you walk by the same statue every day to get to work.

Islands, beaches and mountain towns are a thing of their own. The sheer beauty of the surroundings explains why anyone would come from all over the world to visit. It is hard for me to understand how people don’t believe in God or a higher power when there is such beauty and diversity in that beauty in our world. Why would such places exist? Why wouldn’t the world be ugly and boring? To me the differences in places around the world is a testament to the vastness and wonder of a God that knows all things. We humans are just fortunate enough to be a small part of enjoying the wonder. 

New Year’s Eve

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This New Year’s Eve, I will be leaving on a plane to a tropical island and we depart at 11:59 pm. That’s 11:59 pm on 12/31/23. I’m taking this as a sign that this year is going to be my lucky year. I am going to claim that 2024 is going to be a significant and life changing year.

This is also the first year that I have not had to work at the bar or had to worry that I would be scheduled for New Year’s Eve. As much as I loved being a bartender, it was so difficult to say goodbye to the cash. But not so hard to say goodnight at a normal hour. I’m so grateful for my bar days and even more grateful for the opportunity to spend New Year’s Day on a beach without a care in the world. Oh, how things change over time.

Napping

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I love naps. I swear they are what has gotten me through most of my life. I am able to do so much more if I just take 15 minutes to rest my eyes. I laugh because my grandma used to say that when I was little and I would ask if she was sleeping. We also had a rule in the house that you did not wake my mom from a nap. She was also a queen of cat naps. I remember pulling off the side of the road so mom could close her eyes for a second and take a quick nap. I was amazed that she needed such little time and she didn’t need an alarm clock to wake her up.

Now that I have been on vacation mode for a full week, I find myself napping just because I can. I think I’m tired because my bedtime has been later than usual and the amount of sleep I’m getting has not been stable. I sometimes think I am more tired if I get too much sleep. But I wonder then, why do I sleep that long if my body doesn’t actually need it? Deep thoughts on a cold and uneventful day, I suppose.