Puzzling

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Puzzles suck me in like time does not exist. I get so focused on the colors, shapes, and patterns. I see the shapes of the missing pieces more than anything and it’s like the piece draws me in to find it. I try not to use the box as a guide as I feel like that is cheating in a way.

I have to say that the 1000 piece puzzle I have sprawled out on my table at the moment is a challenge. I have gotten to the point where the pieces all look the same after awhile and I have to get up and walk away. It’s amazing what you see with fresh eyes the next time you approach the table.

Puzzling is a lot like writing for me. I can get lost in the words and the grammar. But if I walk away from it when I get frustrated, a new perspective often shows itself. The blank page like the blank table with a puzzle’s contents all sitting in a pile waiting to be put together in just the right way is like the ideas in my head all lumped together just waiting to be strung together so that they make sense in the world.

Geeking Out

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I totally geek out at the start of the new year with a new calendar. The joy of a clean slate and all that will be filled in throughout the year. I love to have a paper planner along with my electronic calendar so I can use it as a diary of sorts. I use stickers and markers and write my to-dos and things to remember inside.

I also geek out on reflecting on the past year financially to see patterns, confidence in where I sit and areas that I need to reign in. I was really good about being diligent about tracking my expenses until the end of March last year when my IVF failed. I lost motivation to do much after that. My funk definitely cost me as my spending went unchecked.

As I start this new year, it is a new opportunity to stay on course, especially as I embark on IVF round 2. However, this time I won’t be going into $30,000 of debt because my insurance covers more of it AND medications. I just have a 20% copay. Fingers crossed that my side hustle of seeing clients can make it so I don’t get so far into debt again. I already have the second mortgage on the house so I can’t access any more money.

Feeling Productive

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Today did not start off as a productive day. I took my time getting out of bed. And then made some coffee and spent 2 hours sitting at the table putting a puzzle together (I still have a ways to go). Once I finally sat down at my desk, I was able to focus on the worst part of my job…paperwork.

As a therapist, there is an unending amount of paperwork that needs to be done so insurance will pay you. There is the initial assessment that includes everything about a new client’s past and present history and symptoms in which you have to diagnose them with something and justify that diagnosis. Then you create a treatment plan with 2-3 long and short SMART goals with 2-4 interventions. Each session, there are progress notes, including no-show or late cancel appointment notes. After 6 months, you can get to review whether the client is benefitting from therapy and what modalities are most useful to the client. And you get to revisit and rewrite the treatment plan. It is all a bit overwhelming.

Paperwork in any of my careers/jobs has always been my least favorite, which is odd because I actually do like to write. I guess I just don’t like to write in a specific way. Looking back on that detail, I am incredibly glad that I didn’t go to law school as it seems that is all lawyers (at least associates that I worked with) do all day. I understand the benefits of documenting services, however, I just wish there was a more efficient way to get it done.

Merry Christmas!

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This is the first Christmas that I have not spent with my family since I lived in London, which makes it the second Christmas I have ever not spent it with my parents in my 42 years on earth. I know they were sad about me not being with them, but I feel pretty good after all is said and done. Not one tear has been shed in the past two days, which is better than I expected.

All we do for Christmas is eat a big meal together. We don’t do gifts and there are no kiddos running around so it is pretty boring. Yesterday, I went to church and then hosted a few friends over for a drink or two. Then I watched Christmas movies all night by the fire with my pup snuggling close.

This morning, I slept in and then started cooking. I made peanut blossom cookies and then started on my grandma’s cinnamon roll recipe, which took 3 hours to rise. I made an omelet for breakfast and around 1, decided to make lunch which was a New York strip with cheesy potatoes and the lettuce salad my mom always makes. All while listening to Christmas music.

It was a bit chilly out today so I didn’t take Greta for a walk. But I did a holiday Peloton ride so I don’t feel as round in the middle as I did this afternoon. And I started a 1000 piece puzzle that sucked me in for a few hours. I didn’t go to the movies as I had originally planned because it was so cold and the rolls were taking longer than expected. I feel good about my day. It was full of good food, which is what I would have had at home. And no stress.

I started to think that maybe I should go home for Christmas while my dad is still alive and stop being so selfish. I guess I have 364 days to think about it. I feel like it will also depend on this next IVF cycle. If it is successful, I want to have Christmas at home to create our own traditions. If it is not, then maybe I start traveling to Europe for Christmas since they do it so much better over there. For now, I just need to focus on the present and live life to the fullest one day at a time.

Winter Solstice

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I know I am 2 days late but I have to shout out how excited I am for the winter solstice to begin. Finally, the days start to get a little longer. It may be incremental bits more of sunlight, but I will take it. I definitely didn’t understand this when I was in Chicago and always said I hated winter. Because of the solstice, I absolutely love it.

Fall is my favorite weather season but it makes me sad when the days get to be so short. When it is dark when I wake up and dark when I get home from work. I’m constantly sleepy and ready for bed at 7 pm. I have a “happy lamp” that is meant to provide the good UV from the sun at your fingertips but I always forget to use it in the fall.

Winter in Colorado is beautiful, especially in the mountains. Yes, there is snow, but the snow here is different. It is powdery and blows in the wind. In the midwest, the snow is heavy and wet. I didn’t know snow could be so different until I moved to Colorado. It turns out that I actually don’t hate winter or snow, I just don’t particularly care for it in the midwest when I have to walk to and from work. 🙂

Versus…

Winter Break

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In college, I did not appreciate, or even consider, the amount of time off that one would get when entering the workplace. I have worked in various industries in various jobs such as being a graphic designer for a publishing company to being an administrative assistant to owning my own business and now working as a school counselor. Of all those jobs, I appreciate my time off working in education more than anything else about the job. I mean, I love working with adolescents, but sometimes they can wipe you out! And to not have to worry about going to work the day after a holiday makes life so much easier sometimes.

In those other jobs, you also didn’t get much time to recover from when you are burned out. For example, I am really struggling during the day with how much problem solving I’ve had to do and trauma I’ve had to hold the past 2 weeks. Add in the winter solstice and I am tired. In previous jobs, I wouldn’t get the time to recover from that or I would have to use my few personal days to recharge. Starting tomorrow afternoon, I have 16 days to reset my brain, my attitude and my body for the next semester.

I will admit that those previous jobs that didn’t give me much PTO also didn’t give me a lot of emotional baggage to carry. I could go in, do my job and go home without being burdened by content of my work. That is definitely one of the pitfalls of education that others don’t recognize. Yes, we get these awesome breaks, but educators also pour their heart and soul into their students – at least the good ones do anyway. Thus, a good break from work is necessary to show up a better person for the kids the next time we walk into the school!

So Tired

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I admit that I drank more than I should have for a Wednesday and attempted to sleep on the couch last night, but I am so tired today. I think it is just December. The days are short and the skies are grey. It has been unseasonably warm, but I don’t get to experience that much since I’m not outside for much of the day. Nor do I have a window to at least enjoy the view.

Tomorrow is the last day of finals. I feel like I’m wrapping up most of the drama that occurred in the last few weeks and putting myself in a good position to jump in head first next semester. The amount of work that can be done seems to never end. However, I have been able to lessen the number of sticky notes on my desk, so I will take that as a win.

Adult Girlfriends

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I have always had a hard time feeling like I have good friends, especially girlfriends. I can hang out with the guys, no problem. It’s easy to talk sports and surface level with the guys but girls talk about different things. And that has been hard for me. I genuinely don’t give a shit about a lot of the drama that seems to connect girls together. Thus I feel like girls don’t really connect with me. Don’t get me wrong, I want to know what is going on in my friends’ lives but the drama of it all doesn’t really serve me. I’ve definitely lost some friends and some invitations to girls weekends because I can’t relate. That stings in the moment but ultimately, I have to remember that it is not worth it for the betterment of me in the end and so I shouldn’t feel hurt or left out. Those experiences don’t make me better so why do I care. I guess everyone wants to feel included, even if it is just to be able to have the option to say no.

Donor #3

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I’m in the process of picking my third sperm donor. I choose one for my 2 IUIs and a different one for my IVF cycle. I figure it is worth it to start from scratch this third and final attempt at getting pregnant. I have gone through this process alone every time. I usually share the results of whom I choose with a few friends, but this time it is all me. Hopefully this one is successful.

It is such an interesting experiment: choosing the attributes you hope to pass on to your child without any strings attached. Is height or education level or hobbies or staff first impression of attractiveness most important? I feel like I’ve stayed pretty consistent with a few deviations. For example, I am tall at 5’9″. All of my family is tall. My brother is 6’5″ so I want my child (son mostly) to fit in. We are also athletic so I look for that. Lastly, I look for education.

The winner this time around is 6’4″ and graduated with a BA in engineering by 19 and was pursuing a PhD at the time of donation. His baby picture looked cute enough and there doesn’t seem to be any family genetic issues. So fingers crossed that the fertility clinic agrees that he is worth the thousands I’ll spend to give his swimmers a go.

Movies

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I’ve never been a movie buff. I like movies but I haven’t gone out of my way to go see a new movie or watch movies at home. With this new movie pass, I have probably seen more movies this month than most of this year.

As I was walking out of the theatre after seeing Wonka, I had a realization that my dad has always LOVED movies. We didn’t have a lot of money when I was growing up but we did always have cable and HBO. Even after many arguments from my mom about the cost. My dad would always have a movie on. And at Christmas time, he and I would watch The Santa Clause, the OG with Dudley Moore from the 80s religiously. I always felt that it was “our thing”.

Then my brother came along and we added more Christmas movies like the Tim Allen Santa Clause and we went to see Elf in the movie theater on Christmas evening. I tried to start a tradition of buying Christmas movies to add to dad’s collection. Little did I know that most would be on demand in a few years time.

My dad doesn’t seem to watch movies like he used to, at least not when I have been home. It makes me sad to see that part of him that has faded away. And so maybe going to the movies now is way to feel connected with him even though he isn’t the same. Maybe it is just a way to connect to the memory of who he was. I love my dad and his ailments have robbed him of so many things. In some way, living away from him allows me to pretend that my actions are something we could have connected about in earlier years. Or maybe it can be a way to connect with him now and hope he takes me experiences and looks forward to a movie released on HBO. It’s probably wishful thinking but I’m feel that it can’t hurt to try.