Tag Archives: SMBC

Due Date

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According to my calculations, today would have been my due date if my IVF had been successful last spring. It’s a weird feeling. I have feelings of sadness but also feelings of hope that this round will be different. I am trying to look at the bigger picture that maybe I needed another year to get some things together before being a mother. For example, this past year I have completed the training to have my pup be a certified therapy dog. I have completed the requirements to be a licensed professional counselor. And my private practice is in full swing with substantial and consistent extra income.

Maybe I needed another year to accept and acknowledge that I love living in Colorado and I want to stay here. And my dad’s health condition isn’t getting detrimentally worse so my feelings of obligation to move home and spend time with him in his last days don’t feel as eminent at the moment. I feel settled and I am trying to lean into this life that I have built for myself. Maybe now will be the timing that is best to bring a life into the world. It’s always hard for me to trust the journey that I am on, but I do know that there is a higher purpose to it all. I know that I look back at some point and it will all make sense.

Attempts at Pregnancy

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At the age of 39, I wasn’t in a relationship and I still had a burning desire to be a mother. So, I started the process of becoming a single mother by choice. Over the course of the next 2 years, I underwent 2 failed IUIs and 1 round of IVF, which resulted in 1 healthy embryo. I used 2 different anonymous donors thinking that might make a difference. I was devastated when my 1 embryo did not survive the implantation. I had to take a second mortgage out on my house to cover the costs because my insurance did not pay for any medication and only 50% of the rest.

I felt lost and had a very difficult time grieving all my losses and the idea that I would not be a mother to my own children. You see, I was an egg donor 6 times in my 20s. I never thought it was possible that I wouldn’t have the opportunity to or be able to have babies of my own. I will admit that I am not the best at grief. I usually book too many trips and buy too many clothes when I’m sad, which doesn’t help the already overwhelming debt I was in.

As of January 1, 2023, Colorado passed a law (Colorado Building Families Act) that insurance companies with more than 100 employees have to cover at least 3 IVF retrievals and an unlimited number of transfers. I felt this glimmer of hope that maybe I had one more shot. I am now 42 and back in the process. I decided to switch fertility clinics and try a new donor and have a completely fresh start with hopefully a completely different outcome. I had so many friends, coworkers and my family supporting me through the last round. They were amazing. But this time, I am doing it for myself, by myself. My therapist and one other friend are the only people who know what I am embarking on. I guess now anyone reading this will know as well. It’s scary but also empowering because I am doing something that I am truly passionate and committed to. I don’t know if it will work this time either but I cannot say that I didn’t give this dream everything I had. And if it isn’t meant to be, I will have to work through accepting that and shifting my dreams, as we all have to do from time to time.